Thursday, 28 July 2011

Courtroom Humour

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:    He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:    My name is Susan!

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:      I forget..

ATTORNEY:  You forget?
                       Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
                       he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:     Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you kidding me?

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:     None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS:     Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
                      Can I get a new attorney?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:     By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:    Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies
                      have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?
                      What school did you go to?

WITNESS:     Oral..

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
                      did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:     No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible
                       that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

As you may be able to tell, my Dad has been forwarding emails to me again !! So he should take the credit for these finds !

5 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Speechless!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Those are a riot!

Geoff Maritz said...

You've had me laughing my head off. How do I know? I'm using my fingers to type this ha, ha ,ha.

The Golden Eagle said...

LOL.

Diane said...

Thank you! That was just the laugh I needed!

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